- If you work too hard, you're not spending enough time with her. If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
- If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
- If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
- If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
- If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
- If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
- If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
- If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you re a slob.
- If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
- If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
- If you look at other women, you're an insensitive jerk. If she does everything she can to get other men to look at her, she's just trying to look her best.
- If you don't want to jump into a relationship, you're afraid of commitment. If she doesn't she's being wise.
]]>(Barry Neil Kaufman, “Happiness Is A Choice”)
I love that quote. It’s so true, too. To use the old adage about “seeing the world through rose-colored glasses,” we decide what color glasses we’re going to wear. It’s called perspective.
How perspective works is we go through life experiencing things then filtering the experience – how we perceive it – through the perspective gained from doing that same thing with previous experiences.
Huh? Okay, let’s say your early experiences in life were really bad: a parent abandoned you or died when you were little, your house burned down when you were 5 and you lost all your stuff. This is going to affect how you feel about relationships with people and it will give you a frightened outlook on fire. Over-simple examples but you get the picture.
Put another way, if your perspective on life is happy, positive, loving and trusting, you will be easily pleased, see things in a positive light and easily love and trust someone. On the other hand, if your perspective is unhappy, negative, fearful and overly skeptical, you’ll be finding the worst in every experience and seeing everyone you meet as an enemy, out to get you.
Another way our perspective is formed is by what we hear from others, what we read and what we see in the media. In other words, the media create our perspectives! THEY determine how we’re going to see the world. Then all our experiences are perceived in such a way as to reinforce the perspective the media forced on us.
If you watch TV today – or in the past 10-15 years – your perspective on men is that we’re evil (Lifetime Network is great for this one, as is the 5 o’clock news) and bumbling idiots unable to function without the aid of women. That latter comes from today’s sitcoms and commercials. Interestingly, when I was growing up it was WOMEN who were portrayed as fools. (see: I Love Lucy)
So to go back a step here, if that’s your perspective on men, then that’s how you’re going to filter all your experiences with men, to reinforce it.
Food for thought, huh?
Owen
]]>But surely they must feel guilty? Wrong. Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender studies professor at Marymount Manhattan College, interviewed 50 women who cheated on their husbands. She says 90 percent felt no guilt, a finding that even surprised her. "They felt very entitled and felt entitled because they had been so unhappy in the marriage. It's a fantasy, it's just much more liberating," she explained on ABC's "Good Morning America."
Barash wrote all about it in "A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break Their Marriages." She said that while 65 percent of the cheating wives said sex was better with their lover than their husband, fully 45 percent of the cheaters stayed married despite their affairs.
Why do wives cheat? Barash told "Good Morning America," "Often the lover is actually a catalyst to leave the marriage and a bridge to the other side." In her book, she says that extramarital affairs can liberate a woman, reawaken her desire, and sometimes help save a marriage.
Barash has identified four types of affairs that she describes in "A Passion For More":
Empowering Affairs
With more opportunities for women in all aspects of life, they have increased experience of younger men and of workplace affairs.
Sex-Driven Affairs
The marriage becomes old and sex declines. This type of affair compensates for that lack. It is by definition the most passionate, lacking boundaries or rules and can almost seem like an out-of-body experience for the woman.
Love Affairs
Unanticipated and heartbreaking, these affairs happen when women least expect them. Often they break up the marriage or are used as a wake-up call for the husband to battle for his wife to stay.
Self-Esteem Affairs
Consumed with the responsibilities of child care and household duties, women have lost their way. A lover makes them feel special in a way their husbands do not.
Why do wives have affairs? Because they can. There is attraction. There is proximity. There is opportunity. Husbands, beware.
]]>Dear Rachel,
A big problem with being older is that you carry your score card with you on dates. I think at least, “Well, I know what I don’t want.” Over the years, I’ve developed this long list (and it’s growing longer!) of turn-offs and pet peeves, perhaps developed from ex-boyfriends, especially the last guy I dated. How do I get past these instant judgments I make on first dates about everything from table manners to grammar to annoying habits? I have been repeatedly told by my friends and family that the reason I’m not married is that I’m too picky. What’s a girl to do?
- Julie in Minneapolis
Dear Julie,
While you should have high standards for yourself at any age, there is definitely a big difference between being “too picky” and just plain “short-sighted.” You may already know what I’m going to say, because it’s probably what all your friends and family have been telling you: give men more time for you to discover who they are on the inside before writing them off too quickly based on mostly superficial judgments. Yes, that’s the advice I’m sure you’ve heard a million times, but I bet you just don’t know how to do it, right?
Since I’m all about bringing analytical thinking into the dating world, let me give you three concrete tips:
1. First, categorize which problems can be changed in the man and which ones can’t. The man has bad table manners? Easy to change! Most people just haven’t been taught which fork is used for the salad and where to put the soup spoon after eating the soup. You’ll teach him later (that doesn’t make him a bad or ignorant person). Bad breath, bad clothing, bad mustache: all these types of things can be changed under the influence of the right woman combined with a man motivated by love. The things you can’t ever change, and if those things really bother you, should be the deal-breakers: lying, selfishness, temper issues, etc. Decide if any major “can’t change” issues are on your grievance list. If not, you’re being too picky in the beginning and you should spend more time with him and see if chemistry develops.
2. Second, understand that what you might not like may actually be a good complement to your personality (and a great relationship dynamic). For example, maybe you think you don’t like laid-back guys, perhaps they seem boring to you, but you are so uptight and high-strung that an opposite demeanor is actually perfect for you. I’m a big believer in “opposites attract.” Remember, you probably won’t be happy marrying yourself. Try to understand whether what’s bugging you may actually be good for you, and if so, continue dating him and see how the dynamic evolves.
3. Third, when you experience an annoyance (an “oh no!” moment) during a first date, make a mental note to ask yourself later, “Why is that?” Perhaps you are reacting to something that has more to do with you than with him. For example, maybe your date shows up without a plan for the evening, and he asks, “What would you like to do? I haven’t made any reservations: I thought I’d let you decide.” You are immediately turned off because you ‘hate guys who don’t take charge.’ Later that night you think to yourself, “Why does it bug me when a guy doesn’t take charge?” Perhaps you realize that your father was indecisive, your mother made all the decisions, and when they divorced you blamed your father. Now you resent all men who don’t take charge. Whatever the reason, you may have an “aha” moment when you realize that your pet peeve is more psychological on your part (and you can work on that), rather than a fatal flaw on the part of the guy you’re dating.
This three-step “analysis” of pet peeves should go a long way toward helping you cut through your pickiness and focus only on the real deal-breakers.
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Rachel Greenwald, M.B.A., is the author of The New York Times Best Selling book Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. She appeared on The Today Show and has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Fortune Magazine, and People Magazine. If you would like more tips on dating after 40 or would like to submit a question to Rachel, please visit her website at www.findahusbandafter35.com
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